


Steve Rogers

by FriendlyNeighbourhoodSin



Series: Inside the Mind of.... [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Captain America: The First Avenger, Depression, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Loss, Multi, Post-Captain America: The First Avenger, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-19
Updated: 2016-08-19
Packaged: 2018-08-09 19:47:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7814758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FriendlyNeighbourhoodSin/pseuds/FriendlyNeighbourhoodSin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The future can be frightening, especially when you're stuck in the past. This is something Steve Rogers knows too well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Steve Rogers

**Author's Note:**

> It's here! I really enjoyed writing this, because I love both Stucky and Steggy (even though it's a sad fic). Enjoy!

He woke up in a sweat, despite the cold temperature of the room. A strangled cry was on the edge of his tongue, but he managed to swallow it back down. For a while he simply sat there, panting slightly into the darkness of the small bedroom of his apartment. Finally he threw the covers aside, leaving the bed and walking out towards the kitchen. He didn’t bother to turn on the light, the room brightly illuminated by the moonlight. Reaching the fridge, he yanked it open, examining the contents of the shelves. There wasn’t much, he desperately needed to make a trip to the supermarket. Disappointed in the selection, he grabbed a carton of milk and set it on the counter. He managed to find a clean glass in the cupboard, and filled in three quarters of the way. He had emptied the carton, but didn’t bother to put it in the recycling. Instead, he just tossed it into the sink, leaving it to deal with tomorrow.

Steve left the kitchen area, crossing the living room and opening the glass door on the other side. The cool night air hit his face as he stepped onto the balcony, a cool breeze sending a slight shiver down his spine. He suddenly wished he was wearing more layers, not enjoying the chill. That was one thing that hadn’t changed in his 5 months in the future. No matter where he was, what he did, he was always cold. There was a time where it wouldn’t have bothered him, he may have even enjoyed it a little. But Steve didn’t like the cold anymore.

Not since the crash.

It was almost a daily ritual. Something would happen, anything at all, and suddenly he was back in the plane, deep under the ice. It could be a crashing noise, or a cold breeze that hit him the wrong way. Whatever it was, he was sent into a panic; heart racing, breath becoming more shallow. Sometimes it was brief, merely a few seconds. But other times…. It had been five months, and things didn’t seem to be getting any better.

He did anything he could to distract himself and calm down his mind. He would wake up everyday and go for a run after breakfast, then have a tough workout at the gym a few hours later when he got antsy, sometimes twice. This was followed by more eating and a walk around the city, trying to get used to the new scenery. He tried to watch the television during down time, but it was still foreign and made him slightly uncomfortable. Steve had also tried to break out his sketchbook, knowing that there were so many beautiful things to draw, but he quickly realized that it wasn’t good for him. Because while the sketchbook was mostly empty, he could only visualize one thing. A person actually, one that had taken up page after page in previous books.

He could only think of Bucky.

It was excruciating. The one person who had always made him happy, and now thoughts of him brought only sadness. There was an ache in his heart, a hole that despite his many efforts, wouldn’t heal. He replays the fall over and over again in his head. Because the worst part wasn’t that he was gone, that Steve was all alone.

The worst part was that it was his fault.  
He was the one who let Bucky on the mission in the first place. When the strength of the shield proved to be too much, and Bucky tumbled out of the train, Steve’s heart had stopped. He had tried to get to him, grab his hand before it was too late. He hadn’t succeeded. He had to watch the most important person in his life fall into oblivion, still reaching out for him, while he stood helpless. The mission had been successful, but at the greatest cost Steve could imagine. For three days he cried, refusing to leave his private quarters, trying to drown his pain in alcohol, but his efforts were useless. Steve Rogers had to live with the fact that the man he loved was gone.

But through the darkness there was a light, so to say. His lips twitched up when an image of a beautiful dark haired woman came to his mind. Peggy. Her warm, brown eyes and admirable determination never failed to make him smile. She had been there for him throughout his journey,, and he would never be able to tell her how grateful he was. How his heart fluttered when he saw her face, how he secretly loved her always matching red nails and lipstick. He had loved her. An innocent, pure love. He’ll never forget the soft feeling of her lips against his.

Thinking back, he almost chuckled when he realized that he had a type. Strong, dark haired, stubborn. But also understanding and caring. That was what had drawn him to her in the first place, and it was the same with Bucky.

He remembers when he realized that his feelings for Bucky were more than just platonic. He was sixteen, Bucky was seventeen, and it had been the middle of August. They had decided to climb on top of the roof to look at the night sky, twinkling with stars. Bucky had been staring up, a look of amazement and adoration on his face. Steve wore the same expression, except he wasn’t looking at the sky.

He remembers the cold night in November, when he and Bucky were once again arguing about money. Steve had wanted to join Bucky on the docks, so getting by in their small apartment would be a little less difficult. Bucky had refused, saying that Steve had so much more potential than that, and should continue with art school (even though they both knew that it was barely a source of income). Frustrated, Steve had angrily told him to stop him worrying, that he wasn’t a child. Bucky said that he couldn’t stop worrying about him, and when Steve asked why, the answer he got was unexpected, to say the least.

“Because I love you, dammit!”

Steve had been unable to respond, and simply started crying. Bucky, of course, assumed that he had disgusted him and made him upset, and had left the apartment. After he had composed himself, Steve had gone looking for Bucky, and found him on the roof, watching the sky. Unable to contain his love and joy, he had grabbed Bucky’s face in his hands and kissed him. It took a while, but he finally reciprocated, letting out all of their pent up feelings and frustration.

It had been difficult, having their relationship. To be out publicly would have put them in great danger, so they did their best to hide it.

And it’s one of Steve’s biggest regrets. He had to keep his feelings for the man he loved behind closed doors, had to put on a show of friendship to stay safe. And now he was gone, and he wanted nothing more than to go back and scream their love for each other to the rooftops, unashamed of who he was. Because it would have been a privilege, but it was taken away from him.

He’s gone. He’s gone and he’s not coming back and it’s because of you. You weren’t happy enough the way you were. Now look at you. You’re alone.

Body quivering from the cold night air, Steve turned around and headed back into the apartment. He slid closed the glass door and slowly walked back to his bedroom. He wasn’t tired, but decided it was best to lie down and try to calm his mind. As he snuggled under his mountain of blankets by himself, he could feel his heart breaking all over again.

Because even when he had nothing he had Bucky.

But even that was taken away from him.


End file.
